And so it is

Wasn't really sure what to call this post. I'm not sure one word or phrase can express where I am in my journey. Since the Reiki Mastery, my world has really been shaken up and turned inside out. People and situations have been coming out of the woodwork to both help me heal and test my strength. I feel vulnerable and childlike. My strength today is now allowing me to revisit feelings from the past that have affected me in not so positive ways to this day.

This creates a feeling of confusion and reflection. Have I done all this internal work for nothing? Why do I feel as small as ever?

Then I stepped back and my answer came. My inner child, who has been crying out all these years to be healed, finally has her chance to work through her issues and finally catch up to who I am today. She was left on the back burner for a lot of years and ignored, by me. She was tuned out, drowned out and dismissed only because I couldn't deal with her. I wasn't strong enough nor did I have enough energy to give away.

Now, she takes center stage, only because it is necessary for the integration into my being, as I am now. I sit back on the sidelines, watching her throw temper tantrums, stick up for what her tiny being believes in and generally make life difficult for herself. I stand back with patience, love and grace because I know her time has come. She is growing and changing, reluctantly, but all the same.

The situations and people around are blessings and are testing her to the max. Feelings of abandonment, loss, lack of self worth and she struggles, oh she struggles. The difference now is that she has a protector. There is no need for confusion, sadness or lack of confidence anymore. We found home and peace, girl. Sit back and just relax. You be the little child and bring back the fun, leave the rest to me.

This post is for you, little J, love you and it's time to grow up and to all those people who are helping her heal.

XO

Sweet October

I hope this finds everyone who reads this grounded and peaceful.

Here we are, mid October. I've noticed a lot of similarities between the changing of the seasons and my life. As nature here in Western Canada losses its sparkle of summer, the trees purge their summer wardrobes and everything turns cold and slows, I find myself doing the same. My body has slowed and tired, my moods have turned a bit gray and the people and situations in my life who no longer serve me, have fallen away.

Is it a coincidence, no. Change is constant and our lives are constantly changing. If we don't adapt, it becomes tiring. Clinging on to things, expending so much energy to keep things just the way they are; exhausting. When we are open to change and allow things to happen, its easy. It's the way it supposed to happen.

One of the biggest things I am grateful for in my life are the relationships I have, especially the unhealthy ones. These have taught me the biggest lessons in life. Everyone comes into your life for a reason. Some are there for love and support, others are there to receive love and support and others are there to push your buttons. When the buttons are pushed, you can choose to react in the same way you have your entire life or you can react differently. It's this different reaction that leads to personal growth.

Sounds easy, right? No, it's bloody tough. I used to hear all these stories of people who are spiritual, become enlightened and are so peaceful and think, I have so far to go. I can be cranky, I embarrass myself constantly, I screw up, I say the wrong things, I am a horrible singer and the list goes on... If only I could fix ALL this, I would be like them, right? WRONG.

I'm that now. I am exactly where I need to be at this moment and I'm human, not a god, angel, or whatever you believe in and that's OK. We all have our bad days and it's important to listen when our intuition says slow down, be in solitude, be patient. If the timing isn't right for me, it ain't going to happen. No matter how much overtime I put into it.

Don't get me wrong, it's important to have a plan, a goal, a vision but the paths will take very different forms depending on the choices you make. It may be a long windy path for one decision and it may be a shorter, more direct path with another decision. Point is, you will still get the goal. Trust in that, my friends.

This post was a bit of a mish mash. I suspect it is very much my thoughts. Racing from one point to the other. It's what I needed to say though, and there shall be no editing.

Much love and light to you all, xoxo

Unclear title :)

Hi friends,

Almost the end of July and it’s been a year since I have been on my spiritual journey. I have been reflecting on how much I have learned over the last year, boy time flies! As I get older (33 years young now) the quicker it goes, which makes me wonder. Is it because I am not living truly in the moment? How rich would it be to live in each moment? Be truly enveloped by your surroundings? I try, goodness I try!

Perhaps I am a bit too hard on myself. Well, not perhaps, I am. For example, right now I am all over the place and even as I am writing this blog, I am realizing that it is a bit scattered itself. I have a lot of things I want to get done NOW!!! I want to find a new apartment, finish my website, consistently update this blog, find my soul mate, be a better me, NOW NOW NOW. Because these aren’t happening now, my internal dialogue starts to run amuck. It says do more, you should be farther along, take more action. I’m sick of it. Why must I have all these things now? Why have I made this truth up in my head? I know in my heart, I am exactly where I should be and my head isn’t listening! Instead of the internal battles, I am working toward inner peace. This is a place where my heart mostly wins. I say this because sometimes, the heart gets in a way of the best decision; experience talking ;)

I had a coaching assessment the other day, which was set up as a triad. I would coach a colleague and then, in turn, get feedback from the client and the observer and hear the decision on whether or not I would eligible to coach my colleagues. Long story short, I needed more practice. I went in feeling quite confident and left feeling pretty silly for feeling so confident. How could I not have realized there was so much more to learn? It was a true realization of how little I really knew and how much more I need to grow, how exciting?!

I left feeling a little silly and at the same time so thankful for the feedback on how to grow as a coach. It was with this feeling a gratitude that I knew I was on the right path. I wasn’t giving this up so easily!

On a different note, I am a very proud of my 7 year old. After struggling for quite some time to learn how to ride her bike, she did it!!!!!! She rode the 4 blocks to her camp today and was so proud of herself. Her accomplishment is much like the life I want to lead. Keep going after failure and never give up on your dreams.

Much Love & gratitude,
Jenna

This is the Story of Jenna taking life into her own hands

My coaching class facilitators had homework for all of the bright eyed and hungry learners in our class. In order for us as coaches to enable our clients to see how powerful it is to recognize how far they have come in their journey, we needed to see it first hand. We were instructed to write a ten minute story about our story. It was specific to coach training and becoming certified and was set in the future. What did we do before becoming certified as a coach, what were we learning about our path to becoming a coach and lastly what did we do after we were certified.

Here is my story told in the third person.
____________________________________________________________________________
When Jenna Graduated from university with an advanced major in Psychology from Nova Scotia, she wanted to become a counselor. She knew she had a gift and deep knowing that she was meant to help people grow through difficult and uncomfortable times.

After she lost her first love, she decided to move to British Columbia to be around her mother, step father and sister for a 'fresh start' The desire to be a counselor grew and she started researching what it took to get into the masters program at the University of BC. She requested letters of recommendation from her favourite psychology professors and ordered two copies of her 4.1 GPA transcripts to be sent to her Richmond, BC home.

She applied and was accepted into UBC.

Then she met a boy. He whisked her away and they traveled to England, Ireland, Scotland, France, Belgium, Australia, Fiji and New Zealand (his homeland) where they finally settled. They did this, you see, because she was pregnant. He wanted to be around family and he wanted to work and save money for their growing family.

She chose to put her dreams and wants aside because this is something she felt she should do. Everyone else thought it was the right decision, so it must be?! The time dragged on and the relationship strained living in his family home. After one and a half years, there wasn't much left of the relationship, or Jenna, for that matter. She was but a shell. A mere existence of what she once was. In an effort to save the relationship, they thought that moving back to Vancouver would be the fire that would re-ignite the passion and love. The little girl was 7 months old, and oh what a beauty she was.

What happened? You guessed it. The relationship was worse than ever and they quickly split.

Jenna found herself alone. Her mother and step-father had left the mainland to start their own business on Vancouver Island. She had little to no support from the father. She now had to make the part time employment at a local spa making $11/hour a full time job to support her and her infant.

For a long time, Jenna placed one foot in front of the other and it was all she could do to keep going. She was lost and scared. Years after giving her power to someone else, she forgot about the strength she had. It had been neglected and buried.

Time went on, 4 years in fact, and after 3 consecutively better paying jobs, something happened. She can't figure out what it was, but she longed for MORE. She wanted out of the dungeon of being a slave to her life and even though she didn't know it at the time, she wanted to be involved in her life and take a stand for her and her beautiful soul. 

She came across a colleague who was a coach. This coach offered her a sample session; 20 min of free coaching, a taste test, if you will. After this, Jenna was consumed by hunger. Her appetite was larger than life and she wanted more learning. She knew this was calling her and she had to act, now!

With that knowing, she interviewed a few people who had graduated from the various local coaching institutions. One of them really touched her and she decide to pursue this route. CTI was her school. It was perfect and fit beautifully within her schedule. She entered that first class (of 5) a tiger cub and left the last class feeling like the tigress.

Still uneasy, and realizing there were lots left to learn, she took those wobbly baby steps out to create her world. She knew she had the skills to enrich her clients lives and she knew everything was as it should be and that her world would fall into place. It did.

She made some of the most intimate and caring connections within those classes. Friendships that she had always longed and hoped for. She had her support system and network grow exponentially and she started to feel freer than she had ever felt before. The weight on her shoulders was gone and was replaced by a pulley that would lift her up when she felt down.

Her roster of clients filled up within months of the last class and this was the work that gave her energy and fulfillment. It fanned the flames that at one time were tiny embers hoping not to be snuffed out. She was ALIVE!!!!!

She went through certification, not because she had to, but because it would elicit more self growth and enrich her coaching and better serve her clients.

A few years later, Jenna was setting her own hours, making more money than she ever dreamed was possible and was able to spend more time with the people she loved and doing the things she most treasured. She was free. Free of constraints and pressures. Free of stress and anxieties. Free of the belief that she wasn't good enough and free of, this is key, the thought that she was a passive participant in her life. She stepped forward into her dreams. She WAS the powerhouse that all of those people told her she was. 

Looking back, Jenna chose her path. She chose to show up and become an active participant in her life. She did so with grace, ease and a kindness that touched people's souls. She chose to find Jenna again and offer that gift to the world.

This was the story of Jenna taking her precious life into her own hands.

Thank you for reading my story. I challenge you to do the same and see how far you have come in the last 5 years. You are worth it.

XX

What an amazing weekend.... I just finished my fourth course in the CTI curriculum towards certification, it was called Process. This class is all about being with a feeling and enabling the client to be with their feelings without the coach rushing in to fix something or move quickly around it because the coach themselves aren't comfortable with emotions. In silence, realizations are sparked. Amazing transformations that the chatter of the mind or voice would never be able to comprehend or articulate are born. Pure being, what an amazing sense of freedom.

This weekend was life changing. Not only did I find myself among an amazing group of people who I fondly refer to as my family, but something shifted in my being. The term ALONE came up for me and how I am terrified to feel this way. However, I have also discovered that I am so afraid to have people know the real me for fear of abandonment or dismissal, that I have built barriers around my heart so no one can get close. This creates separation, and in the end, me feeling alone. Huge paradox, don't you think?

What we can't live with dictates how we construct our world. We start off with clean slate, nothing is out of reach. As time passes and influences seep into our unconsciousness, our world starts growing smaller as we cut out what we don't want or can't live with. In the end, what was once a clear open space, is a mere segment. We run around wondering why we feel stuck and contained, spinning our wheels, longing for something more. Something bigger.

I invite you to make a list of the emotions that you can't live with and see how you have constructed your space to minimize or even completely eliminate them. There is power in sitting in uncomfortability and when you get to the other side no words can describe the magic that happens.

From here on in, my vow is to dive right in, and be Jenna, every square ounce of her. In the end, my true friends will be by my side and I will be free of the walls I built around my heart, for oh so many years. 

Much love,
Jenna

It's been easy to see lately how far I have come in a short 7 month period. My intuition is sharper and louder, the people who weren't aligned with who I am becoming have fallen away and those who are aligned are continually showing up in random unexpected places. I am more at peace and settled way down in the depths of my soul that had not seen any light or have been attented to for a long long time.

With this new found way of being, it opens me up to feel more. The emotions penetrate an unguarded self and are far more powerful not having to cut through so many layers of unattended emotions. This is both positive and negative.

Positive, because I am able to feel and appreciate raw emotions and are far better equipped to deal with them. Negative because those raw emotions can trigger more 'stuff' that need to be dealt with. It is an ongoing process. I think most spiritual/enlightened people have to deal with keeping 'clean' on an ongoing basis.

Where I am at right now, is past the tipping point of waiting for something to happen. Things ARE happening, but at their own pace. Frustrating, to say the least, to a person who is impatient. How does one handle the intense feeling of "I must get this done now" and just "be" Thousands of thoughts swirling around, picking up other thoughts on their journey until I feel as if I can't breath or handle it.  The answer? I have no clue, and boy I wish I did. That dreaded word PATIENCE haunts me continually but I cherish it. Once you have all you want immediately, what's left? The joy and gratitude comes from the hard work put into something that you really want and desire, sacrificing and travelling the path.

I once heard that people are 'happy' when they are learning a new skill, getting better and finally excelling at it. Once they reach that point, a new skill or hobby will take their attention to bring another feeling of 'happy'.  If you look at this but in the bigger picture, we are always learning to be a better self, how to be a better person to others and continually get 'better.' This means to me that if we are in our purest form and connected with self/intuition/universe, we will always be 'happy'. Now, happy takes on a lot of different meanings, depending on the source, but to me it is a state of peace, calm, love and selflessness.

A thought keeps popping up, I will write a book. Not a fiction book, but more of what I think and have learned so this will teach others who will travel this path and need guidance. This is more than looming and who knows, as I heard someone wonderful say, you can always change your mind. What a great concept!

That's it for now, a small outpouring of what has been swirling around in my head, easy on the specific details.

I am grateful for so many things, one of them lies here beside me and sleeps soundly as I type, oblivious to the external stressors and things she will have to face as an adult. My duty is to love her unconditionally and equip her with all the necessary skills she will need to be who she is, wonderful, caring, compassionate, a bit dramatic, but nonetheless, still her. XX

Love and light,
Jenna